Countdown to Med School

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Reading over my previous posts there now was amazing. I haven't posted in about 7 months but if anybody has read my previous 9 entries up until this point you will have noticed progressive events like:

Seen a really good looking girl that i like. Ive seen here before, but i seen here again last week and i really think she is perfect. In heindsight i was maybe probably definately semi-perverse in the way i stared at her for most of the night but i cudnt help it. She isn't like a tits-out-in-yer-face graduate from the school of bimbo, but she has her own way of being sexy. She really looks like a cross between maggie gyllenhaal and katie holmes. Its that sort of doe-eyed beauty that you feel when you look at maggie/katie holmes. In my experience these are the people who have more substance to their character. Substance est tres important - pour moi. I'm annoyed because however much i want to get to know her i will not. I don't think she has a boyfriend and my friends say i would definately be able to go out with her. But if my intuition is correct, i'd say she is the kind of girl who is quite reserved and this, coupled with my conservativeness, is not exactly a highly combustable reaction. To piss myself off even more and drive myself deeper in to my whiskey bottle (overexaggeration for dramatic effect), I rewatched the classic love story 'Casablanca'. Ingrid Bergman - yes please! I really like it, but then again i am a sentimentalist. I know i should do something about this whole 'crush' situation but my heart is completely in love with this girl - ok, ok a dysphemism i know

--and:

Oh yeah if anyone has read the previous entries in my blog you will be familiar with a girl who i think is great. Well, she's got a boyfriend.......yaaaay!

Well, as fate would have it, I got talking to this girl and we are now unofficially going out! You really can have anything you really really want!

Oh and another thing, despite my offers for med school last year, I didn't get my grades to get in - although I am involved in the UCAS process again.

However I have reached an epiphany which stemed from my mediocre test scores in the aforementioned tests.

I have always felt I was totally in control of my desires. I wanted to be a Doctor. I love helping people - eradicating their anguish. I love science and the application of science. This all points to a career in medicine. To be totally honest, I loved the look on my Mothers face when I told her I got into medical school. I loved when my friends referred to me as Doctor Gavin, and when I imagined myself involved in complex surgery, the hospital canteen and holding the hand of an elderly lady who needs reassured. Having 3 years work experience as a care assistant has taught me the fundamentals of healthcare and I do believe my philosophies are congruent with such behavior. Wow, that sounds like a personal statement. But it is from the heart. I have nothing to hide as I won't be studying medicine this year.

Medicine is not for me. Well, not yet. I have experienced the most wonderful internal growth process over the past year that I feel studying medicine has the potential to dry up my creative juices.

Let's get one thing straight, I sincerely believe that I can achieve anything I want. This is not pie in the sky drivel or wishful thinking. I have realised that my view of reality is subjective. Totally subjective. This empowers me.

The cross-argument for this notion is that I have a large fear of success. Now, I have been toying with this notion for quite a while now and can unreservedly claim that fear of my own ability and potential led to my exam let down. You see, I have a massive problem with responsiblity... perhaps steming from parents who excessively spoiled me. This complex love-affair with responsibility has limited me. But I am in the process of removing this 'fashion faux-pas' and slipping into a nice Armani suit of success.

Yes yes I know what you're thinking. "Isn't this decision not to do medicine not just ignoring resposibility yet again?" I have asked myself this so many times. I have come to the conclusion that if I'm asking myself this question in 5 years time... then medicine is for me. I just don't think rushing into it as a career would be beneficial for ME at THIS TIME. I am 20 and am undecided, although the aforementioned ladyfriend I now have is 17 and certain of her fate. I also feel she is ready. I just wasn't.

It makes me wonder... how many people go on through medical school (perhaps having a good productive time i.e. enjoyed themselves) but don't really know where they are when they get that title lumped on them.

Looking at the role of a doctor from an objective point of view, it's easy to think that you will be happy when you get there... but my expereience of indecision lends to me the incline that I might still be asking questions when I got there.

So, for now it's music, creativity, art, travel, sports and love - everything that makes me feel alive. Let's just say Medicine is still in the pipeline...

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Em...well....nyess. I watched 'The Little Mermaid' last night and had fun in doing so. Since I basically knew every single word before I rewatched it I concentrated solely on the storyline and imagery. I hadn't watched the film in over 10 years, so the new DVD release was the perfect opportunity to remenisce upon the past - and leave a gorge in my wallet £15 deep.

There were a number of things I noticed this time which resulted in the train of thought which has inspired this post.

1. I felt that Ariel's longing to be part of this wonderful world where all of her dreams come true, had so many parallels with my own life - albeit with the usage of Disney's artistic liscence. I too feel that there is a much better world and I am so close to it that I just have to leap out of water and touch it.

I am sure many people feel like this.

2. I also could identify myself with the reprimanding of Ariel at the mere suggestion of her going to this new world of hope.

3. Eventually she has had enough and does whatever it takes to fulfil her dreams. This means striking a deal with the SeaWitch Ursula. Although I don't want to achieve my dreams through unsavory or immoral means, I can identify with her in the way she boldy took action to aide the persuit of escape.

4. Not everything goes right for Ariel on land, but in the end everything turns out alright. I am not religious, but I believe that if you keep focused on all the good things that you want you have to consciously use you brain and 'response ability' to empower these good habits, and place all negative thoughts below these. After all, I am the only one who can create negative thoughts for myself.

I can receive negatives, but only if I choose to accept them, do they become negative for me. You see? It's all subjective.

Well, anywho, I was flicking through the extra features and I came across a feature about the life of Hans Christian Anderson, who wrote the little mermaid (well, the original). Turns out that the story is based upon HC Andersons life and his experiences.

So maybe it's not such a crazy idea that I can draw inspiration from the Little Mermaid.

One other thing... You know the way kids watch films over and over and over? Last night, I just realised the vast amount of imagery that, having immersed myself in for years when I was younger I still use today!
-Whenever I think of beauty, I still see the little mermaid's face
-Whenever I think of autority - I see Triton (Ariel's father with his fork-thing)
-Whenever I think of a beautiful singing voice - I see it as a light blue glow - like it was coming out of Ariel.
Whenever I think of the perfect kiss, it is always the final scene in the film

Hmmm....

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Holy Schmoly! Getting my A-Level results in just over an hour when I pick them up at School. All this rambling in my blog has more-or-less been for this moment.

I am not impressed when people say that they are going to do terribly in their exams and come out with 4A's at A-Level. In my opinion, this is a self-consuming fallacy, where people lie to themselves (and others) so much that they become convinced of the product of their lies. I know a number of people like this. In my AS Levels (if you read my earlier blogs) I predicted AAAB. I was spot on. Although I got my B remarked because it was one mark off an A and it turned out to be 4A's.

I know people doing highly competitive courses like medicine who have this attitude and it pisses me off beyond belief. When people are opening results to meet lower grade criteria I think it is extemely disrespectful for people who know in their heart of hearts that they have done better to appear all shocked at their own results - which are almost always higher.

I'll put myself out on a limb here and predict what i'll get in an hour. I need A-Chem, A-Bio to get in to Liverpool. I already have an A in IT and an A in Business Studies. I think I'll get an A in Biology and a B in Chemistry - because that Chem exam was tough as ****.

I'm going to try and get into BioMed at Liv if I don't succeed in getting in to Med.

Sincere good luck to anyone reading this today and I hope you get everything you want and more!