Please help - do i turn down my place or not??? I don't know what to do...

[lex111]

Wondered if anyone had any advice or thoughts for me.

I’m very confused about what to do.

I live in South Wales with my fiance and he would like children. He has a great job but can’t move as contracted here for at least 3 years. However I have got a place at Nottingham to study and really don’t know if I should give up my place (to have kids) and try again for Swansea/ Cardiff or anywhere easier for us (I’m almost 30 so not sure I should wait till after I finish at Nottingham). Or do you think it would be manageable to be 4 hours away from my partner and still have a child (financially will be hard/child care/travelling etc. We'd be moving in different circles and i guess i won't have much time either

My mum thinks I should stay and have a family and keep trying for medical school close by. But all my friends seem to think I’d be mad to give up a place

I don’t know what to do as I didn’t even get an interview for Swansea this year and would hate to sit the Gamsat again (as it only lasts for 2 years)

Any thoughts would be great

[EvaA]

I wouldnt give up my place for anything, but it depends what is the priority for you. Just dont regret your decision in a few yrs time. I think being in Med School - close to home or not - would be extremely hard to have a baby anyway. Its different I supose if you already have had one but going thru pregnancy and early yrs of a kid life and studying medicine the same time ... for me its smth I cant imagine myself doing.
If you love your fiance more than anything and youre 100% sure u are willing to sacrify for him thats fine but if you have serious doubts and you feel like this might ruin your career than better go for Nottingham bc later on you will blame him for everything. U can always decide to have a kid during the final yr and have a break before doing foundation.

[Martigan]

Hi Lex

Congrat’s on you place at Nottingham.

The key point I would like to make, is we usually deal with adversity better than we expect ourselves to. Life is full of these tricky little things that test us. But it’s looking back and seeing how we have coped with these issues that help us value what we have achieved. If you spend your life avoiding the difficult situations, will you be able to look back and be proud of what you have achieved?

From my point of view, you are young so have time to resolve these things. (I’m 38). I also don’t think you mum appreciates what amazing achievement you have made by getting in at Nottingham and that you are not guaranteed to get a place in south Wales.

Concerning your relationship with your fiancée. Yes the thought of being away from him will be hard. However if it’s meant to last, it will. And aren’t your dreams just as important as his. Do you need to have kids now, or can you wait?

It’s also not impossible to have kids and still do medschool, though it will make it harder. Having kids, and an amazing social life, and good part time job, and coming top of the class will be extremely unlikely (read near impossible).

Also would you have to be apart for 3 years? Couldn’t he find another contract near Nottingham before then?

Only you can decide what is right. I know I would regret not taking the place, but I’m not you. You have to think how important your dreams are and what sacrifices you are willing to make.

But you will need to accept that no matter what decision you make there will always be times that you question, or even regret it. But that won’t mean that it was wrong.

[curlysin]

Hey Lex111,

This is a toughie, I'm like you and in a very similar situation. 29, Engaged to a long term partner and have to move country without my fiance to go to medical school. Its such a personal choice in regards to what you can live with at the end of the day. I think to myself sometimes what if I didnt take up my place at university and stayed in my current post, with a decent wage and in a few years tried for a baby and then what if it did'nt happen for a few years and in the end I could have been to medical school and all but instead im not, im 5 years older anyhows but with no medical degree and no children! The thing is there are some things you just dont have any control over and your ability to have a child when you would like is one of them! However chosing to fulfil your dreams by going to medical school is something you can control so therefore something you may feel you would regret more! Also I agree with another comment someone made on here, you can't put your dreams aside to give someone elses there as this will lead to resentment in the end and that will not be good for either you or your fiance.

Its a very hard decisioin especially for us women as we are the child bearers and do have a ticking clock in regards to fertility! My advice go with your gut as usually its right, I've learned to trust mine more as usually I make the right decision when I do! Good Luck in your soul searching I hope you find your answer

[cat_bach]

A slightly high risk approach that you could take is accept your place in Nottingham and procede to attemp to conceive. Work your guts out, get fine grades and should you get pregnant apply for a transfer to Cardiff/ Swansea. There`s so many things that could go wrong, but its the only way I can see where you can have it both ways. But ultimately its a decision for you and your partner to make, and not one its easy to advise on as a stranger on a forum. I wish you all the luck!

[lex111]

Thanks for all the replies guys and kind words/advice. It's really good to hear. I don’t seem to be able to think about anything else at the moment as I still really don’t know what to do!

You’re right Martigan, the ideal would be for my boyfriend to move with me, but unfortunately his career is pretty specific and short lived (he plays football). He’s told me if he could get a transfer he would but apparently it’s not as easy as that! He’s being looked after well here, and probably till he retires in a few years (and after) – to transfer now wouldn’t make financial sense. It also makes seeing him weekends hard as he’ll be playing and medical school in the work is pretty full on…..

Ideally I’d like to get in South Wales next year, but as this is high risk and I might not even get an interview I guess I’m going to have to think hard. Part of me thinks at my age what’s one more year; financially/emotionally and kids will be A LOT easier if I stay living here. But mostly I don’t want to wait any longer.

Cat_bach I did think about transferring and Swansea say this is fairly impossible due to different teaching priorities and ways of doing things. I’m going to see if Cardiff have a view on this too. I do understand it’s a decision for me and my partner but just helpful to hear what other people think and people applying to do medicine with similar dreams as me can empathise a little!

[dalek]

Hi lex111, I have gone through a very similar decision process to you. I know how unbelievably hard a choice it is.

First of all - do you know you can definitely have children? You wouldn't want to turn down your place only to find out you couldn't conceive. It comes down to your priorties and what is most important to you - are you motivated by career or family? What is more scary - a great career and no kids, or a happy family and a less fulfilling career?

It's such a huge achievement to get a place that it's not a decision to be taken lightly. You have a few choices:

1) Take the place at Nottingham, then try and conceive. If you manage it, you can take a year out, then see how you feel about going back. Maybe family would be your priority. I've been in touch with a lot of medical school mums and they say its very very hard work to juggle both, and you can't be a top student or a perfect mum, which is tough to take. It would put a huge strain on your relatinoship and on your studies. However some of these also say that they are really happy any couldn't imagine it any other way.

2) Take the place at Nottingham and try for a baby after you graduate - you'd still only be 34 (and they say 35 is the cut off). If you explain to your fiance how important this is to you, then hopefully he will support you through it, and then you can both enjoy your family, and you can have a break before the foundation year.

3) Defer your place at Nottingham for a year and see if you can get pregnant in the meantime. If so, give up your place, if not, go to med school and see what happens (of course this means you are choosing family over medicine and may not be what you want, but you're lucky enough to have a partner who wants to start a family with you, and maybe that life would make you happier than a long period of study and a stressful job?).

I think it would be risky to give up a place in the hope of getting another one - these places are like gold dust, and if it's really what you want to do, you have to follow your heart.

Best of luck with your decision :-)

[kaodeve]

Hi Lex111
I'm just applying this year for next but I'm due back at uni to complete my MRes after having my son 20 months ago. I had 21 months off mainly due to the fact that my son doesn't sleep well and still has me up during the night now and I'm knackered. I fell pregnant accidently and it has certainly made things more complicated with regards to uni. I have just written work to do as research is done.
I will tell you my opinion for what it is worth.. I would accept your place and go. I f you wish to try to conceive then do so but be aware that if you do, you may not get a textbook child and you may have to delay med school for much longer than you think. In all honesty, I would go do your degree and then think about kids when you are qualified. I have to laugh at the comment 35 is the cut-off...I was 41 when I conceived and had my son and no many more mums older than myself.
I wish you all the best whatever your decision.
Evelyn.