Best time to have children: thoughts please

[chicken66]

I think this post might be a bit jumbled, but I was hoping that between writing it down, and comments that may be posted after I/we might be able to think about the issues of pregnancy and childcare from a more informed point of view.

I'm getting married this summer, and we have been thinking about having children for a while now. I'm 26, and will complete medical school at the age of 28 (fingers crossed). I don't really want to wait until I've completed F1/2 training before we have a child. My other half is happy to have children whenever we feel it is the right time to have children (ie not work/study dependant).

I've heard others mention that the easiest time to have children is during medical school, but i'm unsure if this is true. I'm feeling very mixed up about this at the minute. I really want children, but after working so hard to get to medical school don't want to throw it away. I know that the path of pregnancy and parenthood is not simple (nor happen as we would sometimes hope).

Like I said, jumbled thoughts, and i'm not sure what i'm really asking but in your view: when is the best time to have children if you're doing medicine as a degree/career?

(PS my other half is a medical physicist, so is in full time employment if that helps)

[smile88egc]

I understand your desire to have children sooner rather than later, but in my opinion if you have children whilst in medical school then obviously both aspects are going to suffer to some degree.
It's perfectly possible to do both as others have shown, but its not something i'd put myself through myself.

[Kim leanne]

As you know people do have kids at med school, but one thing that has stopped me (other than money) is that my last pregnancy was very complicated and I could never have studied while I went through the complications. Saying that, i was quite unlucky and many others have smooth pregnancies.

[clairetrayers]

I'm not certain there is a right time to be honest (I know that is a rubbish answer...sorry!). There are plenty of people who have fantastic pregnancies and it hardly affects their studies and for them having babies whilst a student worked out great, but there are others who find it far more difficult and struggle with their Uni work as a result. Plus, there is no saying that even if you try to fall whilst studying that it will happen that way so even the best laid plans can go to pot when it comes to these things.

Do you know if your medical school are supportive of parent students? Most are, but I have heard of some people on here who have had a rough ride and it'd be worth checking that out before you make any final decisons

Good luck with it all!!

[Tangliss]

It's possible, but like others have said being pregnant while at medical school can be difficult especially if your pregnancy is not an easy one i.e. lots of morning sickness, back problems, no energy..... Saying that you can't predict how a pregnancy will go, for example when I was pregnant with my son there would have been no way I could have continued to study. Saying that I am now 5 months pregnant with my third child and so far *touch wood* have had a hassle free pregnancy which has enabled me to continue with my Clinical studies and hopefully complete my third year before I give birth in the summer. There is also the issue of timing, even planned pregnancies do not happen when one wants.

Can I ask what medical school you go to and if you have looked into how supportive they're?

[emms]

I was in a similar situation though Im older, I started med school at 29 having not thought too far ahead because at that time my partner wasnt sure he wanted kids. But then 2 years into the course he changed his mind and I didnt know what to do. I was worried about leaving it till the course finished as I would be 34 and therefore not have much time to sort out any potential probs if I had trouble conceiving.

Eventually I spoke to the med school who were great and said it would be no problem and that if I were to get preg I could have either 2 months or a year off. A few months later we were pregnant and I opted for a year off, and returned back to med school when my son was 10 months old. I did find pregnancy hard and I ended up starting maternity leave early, but because I had opted for a year out this wasn’t really a problem, I just had to come back a bit sooner. My son is now 2 and Im just about to sit finals.

I think key things are having a supportive partner who wont moan at you if he is doing more than you, and also having other people around that you know well enough to lumber with your child. I hadnt realised that little kiddies go to sleep at 7pm (in general) so they have a relatively short day giving you only a limited time to get them home, fed, bathed and into bed following work. The course committements, especially in the last year, often havent allowed me to finish in time to do this, which is where having a non moaning partner and (if partner is busy) other people around who are happy to collect my son from childcare, bring him home and feed him is invaluable. For me the drawbacks are exhaustion (son gets up between 5 and 6am everyday), and the unpredictability of having a kid, the number of times my son has a temperature and is up screaming all night before assessments etc isnt funny! Overall though I have no regrets, my son is lovely and Im glad we went for it, medicine is now just not so important to me.

Another option for you would be to start trying towards the end of the course and take a year out before starting F1 if you did fall pregnant. Most people advise against a year out before F1 but I am now pregnant with number 2 (due August) and I have had no problems rearranging F1, my foundation school are deferring my application for a year so I will have a job to go to a year in August. The drawbacks are potentially feeling sick in the run up to finals, no maternity pay (though I think you may get pay if you are on a bursary?) and not using medical knowledge for a year before starting F1. I am not so worried about the latter now because my foundation school have been lovely and said I can do an extended period of shadowing just before F1 to ease me back into it all.

Sorry so long, good luck deciding!

Em.

[chicken66]

Can I ask what medical school you go to and if you have looked into how supportive they're?

I'm at Warwick, and to be honest i've heard mixed 'reviews' about how good they are.

I think my main problem is that I agree with Clairetrayers, in that i'm not sure whether there is a best time to have children. I'm not the sort of person to slow down, or take time off work/uni unnecessarily (usually have to have someone else to tell me to slow down), but i'm not sure how having a child whilst working would differ from having a child whilst studying...if that makes sense?

It's something that i've discussed quite extensively with my partner, but his opinion is very much that we'll try for children when i feel i'm ready for it, which whilst being very nice, is not always that helpful!

[yazoo]

A couple of other pros and cons for you...

I think it's worth taking into consideration that med school is far less demanding physically than being a junior Dr. However, you can't do it part time, where as you can work part time after your baby is born if you wish (at least at the moment).

However, maternity leave and absence is much easier to cope with as an employee. Employment law can be a very helpful thing. And you get paid for mat leave.

[CharlieV]

Lot of good points have already been made so I just add my personal opinion. I have to agree that in your case there is probably no "right" time to get a baby. Medical school can be very stressful and studying and having a baby could be too much. I think you have to ask yourself if you're able to manage a child and school/work. It's clear that you have to share your time between the two.

[aspirant doc]

I think the "best time to have children" is when you feel it is the time to have children. That sounds daft, I know, but no one can really tell you when that is, it's about you and how you feel and your partner and your studies and your medical school and your medical career.

I'm not sure though that being a medical student and pregnant or medical student with young child is any worse/better than being a young doctor and pregnant or young doctor with young child - being a parent is something people deal with in their own way in relation to their circumstances.

I also think there are plenty of other jobs people do with pregnancy/children that are more demanding than medicine.

What matters is doing it at a time when you think you can cope with it all. There's never going to be a perfect time for people with careers.

All the best.