Desperate To start a family

[litte_puffin]

Hi everyone been reading posts on here for ages and thought it was finally time i got peoples thoughts on my own little problem.

Im 24 and currently in my penultimate year of medicine (2nd clinical year), i live with my boyfriend in a flat we own and he has a stable job. As the title suggests im really desperate to have kids. I know its not exactly a great time but neither would it be great during my foundation training; the idea of waiting another 4 years until specialist training is hard to swallow. My partner says he doesnt want them yet however i know his negative attitude is hyped up to counter my over eagerness to procreate. He is about to become a god father and is thrilled and excited and spent hours researching the perfect play mat, he really likes kids but like many men is scared of having his own.

So the question is am i better of "having an accident" or waiting until we are more financially secure and i am qualified? Would it be better to have a child between 4/5th year or during foundation training? Or do i need to fight these feeling and realize that i need to secure a specialist training post before even contemplating having kids?

Thanks everyone in anticipation.

[Zedd]

I'm not one to be offering advice about having babies but I don't like the way you put- better off "having an accident". IMHO You should really talk more with your boyfriend.

[smile88egc]

Hi there,
I can really empathise with you, (although I am only 20 and in my third year at med school so I am still trying to repress my feelings!) but I really think it would be beneficial to wait just a little longer!
I've been doing some reading too and i've read you can do your foundation years over 3 years, allowing you to go part time.
That way you can have a compromise with your boyfriend and give him time to get used to the idea. You'll also be able to save up a bit so that finance isn't such of a worry when little ones do appear.
I'm sure the time will fly by too, i can imagine you will have plenty to occupy yourself in your last 2 years of med school!

[georgiegirl]

I think it's strange to ask for 'advice' about this. It's far too personal.

It's natural to want children and a lot of people regret waiting to start a family particularly if they end up having fertility problems. But 24 is quite young. Do you realise what it means? I have two children and it's bloody hard work and utterly irrevocable. It means no more spontaneity, no more diving trips to the Red Sea or climbing Kilimanjaro, or even just heading off to the pub on a whim. You don't realise what you have lost until it's too late. And for the first few years it is completely thankless too.

Far more alarming though, is your attitude to your unfortunate boyfriend. How could you even think of 'having an accident'? Do you love him? If you did, how could you contemplate forcing fatherhood on him (a lifelong state) against his wishes? How would you feel if he went off and had a vasectomy without consulting you? It's an appalling idea and by itself suggests that you completely lack the maturity to become a parent right now.

Having children is extremely challenging with a supportive and eager partner, let alone a reluctant one. Your boyfriend's interest in being a godparent isn't sufficient evidence that fatherhood right now is what he really wants, and your seizing on his interest in playmats seems a bit desperate.

Bringing a child into the world via some kind of deception wouldn't really give it the best start in life, would it?

I think you need to wait to have a child until your partner is keen.

Sorry.

[NorthernLight]

1) There's never a good time. You will always be able to come up with excuses not to have children - money, space, freedom, work - and when you realize that there won't be a perfect time it might be a bit later than you'd like.

2) I wouldn't have an "accident" if I were you . . . but that's between you and yr boyfriend I guess.

3)I know men are supposed to be scared of commitment, but I hadn't heard that we were scared of having children! It's not like we have to push them out :P

[Randolf_Rolm1919]

24 is quite young to have children? Ok I suppose our cultures vary greatly. Personally, I would say 20 is great to have your first child.

I agree with Northernlight on everything, except why should men be scared of commitment? It all depends on the maturity of the male we are talking about here. Men are not scared of commitment nor of having children. Boys on the other hand are scared of commitment and of having children.

If you want kids go for it!

[Luci]

I don't have any kids (yet!),but here's my opinion.

I know lots of parent that had their children during whatever time of their studies (even where both parents were studying medicine at the time).
My dad was still studying medicine as well.

And your boyfriend, well, I know there are men who are indeed scared of having their own until they actually have a baby (hmm, take my father).
My mom waited until she was 29 (my dad did his medical studies quite late), because my dad kept claiming he wasn't ready to have kids; in hindsight that was a load of crap (he admitted that himself).
My mother had problem with her first pregnancy and child, whether that was due to her age, we'll never know!

Basically, yes, you could have children now, timing isn't everything and if this is what you really want you could go for it. (Mind georgiegirl for what she said on giving up what you have now).

But you should really discuss this thoroughly with your partner; we cannot say anything about his wishes or 'ready-ness' since we don't know him. You do.
Talk talk talk is the key.
and if your quote on 'having an accident' is really what you meant, don't do that! Do you want to act surprised around your boyfriend when you find out your pregnant? While actually you know the truth? Relationships are usually hard enough to keep for a lifetime as it is, don't let something as (possibly) wonderful get between you two.

Good luck!
(and unlike some people here, I think it's ok to ask - everybody thinks horrible or weird things sometimes, or we have questions we don't know what to do with... Plus we all know posting on a forum is anonymous, so you can basically ask what you want without any consequences ánd get to find out what people really think.
Besides, we might actually help you a little here!)
But don't rely too much on our answers, we don't know your personal situation!

[Clarkey]

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking either, but planning to get pregnant behind his back (if that is what you are planning) is possibly the worst basis you could have for a stable relationship.

I know many people who cope with children whilst at uni, although i only get a snapshot of what its like. I'm the same age as you so I can appreciate the ticking clock, and I don't see me waiting until I start ST but the thought of cheating my boyfriend into becoming a parent leaves me feeling cold..

[James]

Call me old fashioned, but why don't you get married - then have children.

[Kim leanne]

You have to wait until your boyfriend is ready. I met my boyfriend at 17 and spent 8 years nagging him to have kids with me. But he knew to wait until we had finished our degrees and had got a career sorted.......and to wait until he was actually ready to give up clubbing, pubbing, cinema and any sort of social life. We now have 2 kids and we'd both LOVE to have more but although i am now 32 and our kids are 6 and 3, we again will wait until the right time, and if i'm too old so be it.