advice needed...please help!!

[anniebell]

ok here is my predicament.....

i am 23 years old and live at home with my parents. Im currently working as a healthcare assistant getting some work experience before i applied to read medicine. I am supposed to be starting the access to medicine course at COWA this September BUT i have just discovered i am pregnant.

My parents are both well and truly disappointed and devastated. They are not being supportive at all...unless i have an abortion. The thing is they believe that it is going to ruin my prospects of being a Doctor if i decide to keep it. I do not think that i can go through with having an abortion, the guilt will eat away at me.

I had a massive row with my mum last night as she absolutely despises my partner, and she is going to kick me out of the house if i keep his baby.

My partner and i are very happy together, and although it would be extremely difficult, would like to keep our baby. I guess im just looking for any advice if anyone has been in the same or similar situation and the knowledge that if i keep this baby that if i put my mind to it i can still have a baby and go to medical school (if i defer for a year).

Thankyou in advance for any advice.

A very confused and distressed annie xxx

[dadtobe]

Hi

First of all congratulations! I am not in the same situation, rather I am currently a medical student (24) as is my partner who is pregnant. It is very possible to start medical school with a child as well as have one whilst at uni. It does require quite a lot of planning regarding childcare and finances etc. It seems rather unfair to be devastated and dissapointed given that you are 23, seem to be in a happy relationship and have no intention on giving up the medical dream. I would definitely not recommend to you to have an abortion you don't want to keep someone else happy - that will not lead to future happiness. Make the decision to keep the baby and start from there - if parents can't be happy then what are your other options? Deferring a year shouldn't be a problem so don't worry too much about that - just make sure you keep them informed. Medical schools like people with a bit more to them than the standard shool leavers so it won't be a disadvantage.

Good luck with whatever you decide and remember, it is definitely possible to be a doctor and have a family - including starting medical school/training and having a baby!

[Jul!eT]

Goodness, keep your baby! Parents say stupid things and make empty threats when they're angry but they'll get over it. But will you ever be able to get over the fact that you got rid of your own baby?

Defer for a year and have it - one year is nothing. I had my first baby at 23 and deferred for 13 years (kinda). I wanted to be a doctor since I was 20 but I was inlove, got married, had kids, a huge morgage (still got that one!). Still, I'm getting to be a doctor! Yey

Life's too long to spend not doing what you love but it's too short to not spend it with people you love... So maximise your time with your kids and enjoy them, you'll realise there's no bigger love than that.

Whatever you do don't kill that baby, if you don't want it I'll adopt it!

[montreux]

First of all, it seems as though you have made the decision that an abortion is not the right option for you so please don't let your mum or anyone else force you into an abortion if that is not what you want (obviously that is easy for me to say when I am not in your position). Your parents may truly feel that they only want the best for you but using threats and emotional blackmail definitely isn't the ideal way of bringing you round to their point of view!

I was just wondering whether you have a family friend or aunt or someone who understands your position and could talk things through with your parents without them going ballistic - I know that mother-daughter relationships in particular can be a bit stormy so maybe having a neutral party between you could calm things down a bit. As Jul!eT said, given some time your parents will hopefully calm down anyway and come to accept the situation. If nothing else, I think that it's highly unlikely that their hearts will fail to melt once they actually meet their new grandchild

In terms of coping with med school, I've not been in exactly the same situation (I am a 33 year old female about to start med school with a 2 year old and a 5 year old) but I do know at least one person on this forum discovered she was pregnant and deferred a year with a Scottish med school. To be honest, I doubt that you're the first and you certainly won't be the last so COWA will probably be fine about it. There is no doubt it is not going to be easy but, as dadtobe alluded to, it will give you insight into the lives of a lot of your future patients which can only be a good thing.

There is never an ideal time to combine kids and a career, it's always going to be difficult but people do manage it and you certainly sound like you have the desire and the drive to make it work - and having a loving supportive partner as well is always a bonus

Congratulations and all the best,

M

[469er]

I guess im just looking for any advice if anyone has been in the same or similar situation and the knowledge that if i keep this baby that if i put my mind to it i can still have a baby and go to medical school (if i defer for a year).

Bless your heart, what a crappy position to be put in. I haven't been in exactly your position, but have had the experience of an accidental pregnancy. For me, it was a less clear-cut decision - my relationship with the baby's father was extremely precarious, and my housing/financial circumstances not that great. In the event, I miscarried the baby, and avoided having to make that hardest-of-hard decisions. It may not seem as though it makes things simpler, in some respects, but I do feel your relative certainty that you cannot go through with a termination can only help you with everything else that happens from here on.

Three kids on, I'm about to start medical school this autumn, at a rather more advanced age than 23, and I know that if I had an accidental pregnancy now, I would absolutely not even consider a termination. I suppose that that's easier for me to say when I already have the domestic set-up that comes with kids, have been with my partner a long time etc, but even so, a pregnancy right now would be a hell of a curve ball. But medical school would wait - it would have to (and god knows, it's waited long enough already).

You're much younger than me, and, although you probably don't want to, it would be far from the end of the world if you had to defer two, three or even more years. You were doing access anyway, which means you will be an unorthodox applicant to medical school however old you are and however many children you have. If you're clear in your own mind that medical school is definitely for you, then I really don't think this will derail you. I suppose in your shoes I would think carefully about how stable your relationship is, and how/whether I would cope if that breaks down, and also about the finances/practicalities of it all. Having babies is hard work. Before I met my partner, I felt sure I would do it all on my own if necessary, but now I've brought up three kids with the benefit of a very supportive dad in the picture, I realise I was probably dreaming to imagine I could have done it singlehanded. If you can bear to think negatively, such contingency planning might be prudent. These are probably all the scenarios your parents are dreading - it might help relations with them if you have thought this stuff through and have some considered responses to their fears.

But ultimately, this is your decision, not theirs. A termination is not the clean, easy end of the story they are probably hoping for, particularly when you are clear about not wanting one. While I believe there are lots of situations in which it would be justified for a woman to have one, I think that fears someone else has generated about your professional future are probably a really bad reason to go against your instincts and wishes, and probably something you would regret.

But I'll add a caveat - playing devils advocate, if you like. The moment you know you are pregnant (in my experience) your hormones, and all the instinctual drives of maternal protectiveness they mobilise, make it very, very difficult to contemplate harming your baby. This makes it impossible to make an entirely neutral decision - your body militates against your thinking things through in a way you would do before a pregnancy was certain. It may help to factor that in to your assessment of things - because this does need to be a decision which involves your head as well as your heart.

HTH. Good luck, anniebell, and take care.

[Fuze]

The COWA are very supportive of people with children, and if you need to defer a year then just give them a call to talk to them, i have known plenty of people who defer a year. Plus my friend who was on the COWA course with me 2005-2006 had a two year old and was a single mum and she got through it fine and is now in her second year at St Andrews in Scotland studying medicine. There is a nursery centre on the COWA site and this is the only child care that she used, and she got help with the child care funding. I hope this helps, I KNOW how hard this kind of decision can be so make sure you and your partner think about it very carefully and TRUST ME if you make the wrong decision for YOU (not your parents or anyone else) then you WILL regret it for the rest of your life! I know that sounds dramatic but i know what im talking about. I hope some of that helps and gives you some encouragement.

[Nola]

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Even without your parents' support, you can do it and it's so well worth it! I think you are very lucky considering your age as well because that's a wonderful time for starting both a family and med school.

I was accepted to Newcastle then became pregnant myself. I was 27 when this all went down. They let me defer for a year so I'm about to start this year. My husband won't be making the move with me, which is scary (job reasons) so count yourself very lucky if your partner is able to go with you.

Lucky for you, being a parent moves you into the independant sector for financial help (otherwise you'd have to start med school at 25 or 26 to qualify) and so you probably won't need your parents' help at all. Above the maintenance grant and loan, you can get help with childcare - possibly 80% paid and the rest comes out of your maintenance. That's for students - above whatever the gov't does for you (don't know much about benefits).

Also, look at universities that are known for being very supportive of parents. I've heard UEA is the best and even has family housing (with other med student parents so you can all get together with the kids for revision sessions). Manchester is also supposed to be pretty good, and admissions said that many students there only work 40 hrs a week, just like a job, which leaves time for parents to be with kids very easily and many students hold part time jobs. Universities are starting to really want parents because they are more committed - they tend to be very determined as they have more to lose if they don't do well. There are often nurseries run by the uni or very near that cater to students and faculty.

The way I see it is that most mothers go back to work anyway, so why not be a student? Plus most jobs aren't as flexible and supporting as a uni will be.

And if you have any doubt about an abortion at all, don't do it. You will certainly regret it, especially after starting med school and seeing all the parents coping well. Your parents are dead wrong - if you have an abortion, regrets as big as that will mean you probably won't be able to hack it.

I think you are a very lucky girl and you will never regret having your baby.

Oh, and check out your local freecylce for free baby stuff as well as the great ideas people above me mentioned.

http://www.freecycle.org/group/UK/?b...noautodetect=1

[anniebell]

hey guys, i just wanted to say thankyou so much for all your replies!

And also to let you all know that i had decided to keep the baby, but i unfortunately miscarried this week im a strong believer in "everything happens for a reason" cheesy i know lol but i guess it just wasn't my time just yet.

Thanks again, so much you guys really helped me see that i wasn't crazy!

annie xxxx

[Jul!eT]

I'm so sorry to hear about the baby Annie... Buy hey, you were willing to keep it and that's what matters. Just make sure next time you get pregnant it will be totally intentional. If it's the right time for you then everything will work out fine.

Take care and good luck x

[469er]

So sorry, annie. Look after yourself.