Why am I putting myself through this?

[latestarter]

Seems like IT is a popular career until you realise the money isn't everything.... I left nearly 3 years ago now after a rather nice redundancy package and share options

I agree with Vicky, the sense of a total lack of achievement from a job in IT is something I will never forget... unless you enjoy sucking up to VPs and constantly watching the share price!

[latestarter]

oh and in answer to the original post, I think it's the come down from what is one of the biggest pressures I have faced - getting that med school place...

[Nurse_to_doctor]

Dot

Still haven't broken cover at work and won't do till I need to give notice...

I'm the same. I don't want to tell people because it could (possibly) damage my chances of promotion to a Band 7. There is also the issue of applying and then getting rejected - I'd rather not share that potential outcome with everyone I work with

It's a bit strange tho. I'm asked, "what are you doing this weekend?" and I can't reply, "I’m going to the library and studying stereoisomerism, making sure I can name organic compounds/function groups and getting my head around skeletal formulae on Saturday, then going over genetics/cell growth for biology and vectors/mechanisms for physics on Sunday. Thanks for asking". The other question I get asked is, "are you going anywhere for your holidays in September?". The real answer is ‘GAMSAT revision’ - with all the essay practice and reading poetry etc that this entails. I have to reply “No”. Hate having to lie…

N2D

[AstroMedic]

I would rather be poorer and have a job that I have a passion for than comfortable career with little job satisfaction

Hear hear! Totally agree!

Still find myself asking the poster's original question all the time though: Would be so much 'simpler' if I stayed put!

As for the comments about when to tell people - I'm in such a predicament about this. First of all the pressure is mounting at work with a test campaign, requiring me to be at work all waking hours. This means I don't have time to do my UKCAT/GAMSAT revision at the moment, and it's stressing me out. Especially as my heart is now set on medicine, and I'm losing enthusiasm for my current job. I'm going to have to try to start to do revision at lunch times (if I get a lunch break that is) in my car... would be so much easier if people around me knew! Also, my contract comes up for renewal in September, so everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do. I just don't know what to say! Plus I need to take some time off work for medical work experience, but is really difficult right now. Sigh!

At what point do you tell your work and everyone around you that you've gone crazy, and are leaving your current profession that you've worked so hard to get into, for something that you may never get?

And money.... don't even start me on that. Can't afford to live with a wage, let alone none! Oh, and the debts.....

And the guilt...putting my husband through the loss of income too...

Perhaps in 10 years time when I'm practising medicine (oh, yes please!) I'll look back and laugh at this time in my life...

[dotvicky]

I've actually broken cover at work already but that's only because a) I'm a *really* bad liar!, and b) despite all the other crap in the job, my boss is a really good guy and knows that it's in my nature to do my best even if I'm planning on leaving so doesn't penalise me for it... or not that I've noticed.

I've had plenty of 'why am I doing this?!?!' moments - this pregnancy has left me completely shattered - far moreso than even the early weeks of motherhood with the last one - work has been stressful, family stuff has been a bit mad and then there's finding time to do the childcare, volunteering and study.

Yes, it would be much 'easier' to stay put and I still wonder if I'm just being my own worst enemy and making life excessively difficult not only for myself but for my family - why can't I just accept things as 'okay' and settle for that?

I am reminded of Jack London's Credo:

I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out
in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom
of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.

I have to *live* not just exist! I sit here right now at work, sneaking online in my 10 minute lunchbreak and I look around at all the zombies who don't like their job but don't think that they can or even really want to get out of it and I just can't be like them... even if it means that I swap mild annoyance/contentment with gut-wrenching lows and ecstatic highs.

Anyway, thus ends my waffly post. Power to all of us to pursue and achieve our dreams.

Vicky
xx

[dances_with_lamposts]

Also, my contract comes up for renewal in September, so everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do. I just don't know what to say!

I dont know what job you do, but i worked in a blood bank last year and made the mistake of telling my boss that i was going to apply to medicine (i stupidly thought he would be my reference!), he didnt take it well - the first thing he said was 'you wont get in'. my contract ended in september and he didnt renew it, there were 3 other jobs going in the lab in september that i applied for and guess what - i didnt get those either! his excuse was that i 'needed to aim higher than an mla job'! so now, im stuck in a boring ofice doing boring work until september.

the only good thing about that situation was that i actually got 2 offers, it was such a good feeling telling him and watching his face! i still have a few contacts in the lab and everyone is talking about it! its great!

[rickscreen]

Dotvicky....I agree and also love your little incubus quote, my favourite band!!

Rick

[Martigan]

N2D

Yes. I have the same thing then people ask me when they ask me what I'm doing this weekend/evening. I have told people ate work that I am doing A-level Chem as "self development". so I can comfortably sit in Starbucks with my Chem book.

Astro

I know the feeling about people thinking your mad. I can't consider staying put, I can't stand the thought of not making it in. Latestarter has may admiration, it must have been so hard to go through three years to get in. It my greatest fear that I won't even make it in after then.

DotVicky

Big hug. Love the poem. Strikes a chord.

Dances

Grats. I'm jealous! :-)

[dotvicky]

Yes, love the poem - very powerful.

And the Incubus quote - also a favourite - we went travelling for a year and it was sort of our theme tune. Love the concept of not only welcoming the future (both good and bad) but doing it knowingly.

(And of course, many of the other lines are great too:
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately, I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel.)


Cheers
Vicky

[Lynsey Rachel]

I love the poem too.

And to address the original poster's questions. I do kind of know how you feel, I've just finished my 1st degree in history and was told by so many people to use that and do something like teaching, or do a masters degree or go into journalism. All of these things would be a lot easier I understand, but I just know that I will be frustrated with it.

I've realised now that I'm not going to try and prolong the inevitable anymore. I managed to convince myself throughout A-Level (I followed the arts route mainly) that I was on the right path and the sciences were not right for me, (even though I got AA for my GCSEs). Yes I was silly to change my mind like that but hey I was a very young 16 year old who decided on a whim that I wanted to do the arts.

However as soon as I started uni I found myself very jealous of people doing science degrees, and more specifically medicine. I began to regret my choice of A-Levels and degree, but I was told by everyone to see it through and see how I felt in 3 years when it was over.

Well, its over now, and I still feel the same. I want to pursue medicine like I should have done when I was doing my A-Levels. Yes I am quite young (I turn 21 in August), but I do have this awful sense that I'm wasting time, and I'm just glad that I finally realised what I wanted to do with my life.

So what am I trying to say here? I guess just try and remember why you wanted to do it in the first place, why you're giving up a good job, no its not because you're mad but you're just following your heart. And congratulations on getting a GEP place, there are so many people here (including myself) that are a little bit jealous! Don't fall at the first hurdle my friend! I bet that when you start it you will love it.